


Twisted in the Amber

by LegaciesandMemories



Category: Naruto
Genre: Altered Mental States, Dissociation, Everybody loves Naruto, F/M, Gen, Healing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Misunderstandings, Noncon is not between main pairing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Hyuuga Hinata, Protective Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama, Protective Uchiha Sasuke, Recovery, Uzumaki Naruto Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24865966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegaciesandMemories/pseuds/LegaciesandMemories
Summary: Lust isn'treallya negative emotion. That won't stop Naruto from treating it like one.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Konoha 12 & Uzumaki Naruto, Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 35
Kudos: 221





	Twisted in the Amber

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty, I'm going to slap this with a huge **trigger warning** for discussions and memories of past noncon. It isn't fully depicted in this fic, but there are strong implications of it and memories of before/after such events. This is a recovery fic. Please let me know if you would like this tagged differently, and please take care of yourselves - there's a whole lot of angst ahead.

Relationships, Naruto decided, were weird _._ And awesome. And _terrifying._

Sure, he’d only been with Hinata for a few months, but he woke up beside someone who cared about him more than anyone else. Someone who _saw_ him. 

They ate breakfast together, dinner together, told each other stories, and fell asleep together. He learned about Hinata’s dreams (to have children who will never grow up knowing the pain of a Caged Bird Seal) hopes (to set up the children’s division of the hospital), fears (never being able to remove all the Caged Bird seals with her sister, and disappointing Neji). He got to see how her lilac eyes shone when he did something stupid, how her brow furrowed when she was reading, how she gazed at him when she thought he couldn’t see her. 

She stared at him with so much affection he could cry. 

_(he had before. Kurama had never let him live it down—)_

She _loved him_ , apparently, always had. The way people treated him around the village felt suffocating. He never thought after the way he grew up that being loved by so many could feel uncomfortable, but it was. They stared, and sometimes pointed, and fainted when he tried to pick up groceries. It was _strange._ A hell of a lot better than getting rotten tomatoes thrown at him, but still strange _._

But Hinata just _cared_ , saw him as more than a war hero, saw him as the person who messed up boiling water and wore most of his morning coffee on his shirt. 

When night came, she cuddled up to him, and he got to see how her eyes glowed in the light of the pale moon (not red, thank Kami) and as her hand wandered lower, and lower, and lower, he decided—

Hinata’s sweet, she’s strong as hell, she’s gorgeous, but if she touched him one more time he was going to lose it. 

* * *

It’s not that he wasn’t attracted to her. 

(He _was,_ with everything in him. _Kami,_ he _was._ He was an idiot to not have realized just how much he cares about her sooner.) 

But something in him...just, floundered, shriveled up when she gave him a devious grin with flushed cheeks and told him to meet her in the bedroom. 

Growing up _not_ touching anyone, he thought maybe his body just needed time to catch up. He went from the occasional pat on the head or hug from Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei (respectively) to full-on hugs and slaps on the back from all his friends. Of _course_ it would be a little weird. It would make sense if he felt the same way when Sakura hugged him or Sasuke shook his hand awkwardly or Kiba tackled him in the street. 

But he _didn’t._ He loved hugs! He loved receiving the affection of his precious people in every way he could. Even though they’d lost so many, they still had so many people _here_ , and he wouldn’t take any of them for granted. This wasn’t a jutsu he wasn’t spending enough time on or a strategy he wasn’t listening to. It didn’t make any _sense._

It came to a head on their vacation, a trip to the onsen in Yugakure recommended by Ino after Kakashi-sensei and Sakura told him he should take a break. He _had_ been busy learning the ropes as the Hokage’s successor, and he thought it would be nice to spend time away from Konoha’s craziness with Hinata for a while. 

With the way his life has gone so far, Naruto should have known he couldn’t escape chaos. 

They had skirted around each other for months, unsure of what they should do. Hinata had wanted to wait before going all the way, and he was fine with that. But in that onsen, four months into their relationship, he guessed she was ready. Hinata walked into their bedroom from the shower, long hair a jumble of indigo down her back, and his breath caught. She was _beautiful. So, so very beautiful._ And his stomach crawled with nerves as she laid a pale arm on his chest and told him to come to bed. 

He thought he could handle it, thought he wouldn’t do something stupid like flail or freak out. 

To his credit, he didn’t _really_ freak out. He thought. But as he settled between Hinata's thighs, he found himself watching his body from Kurama’s seal. He thought his stomach was churning. Was that what people mean by butterflies? Naruto felt like he had just drunk sour milk. 

He thought his hands were trembling, but it felt blurred, indistinct from his view in his mindscape. Kurama surprisingly said nothing, but wrapped an amber tail around Naruto and they both watched as his and Hinata’s bodies shook apart. 

* * *

He didn’t feel the tail. He didn’t feel the sweat he could _see_ budding on his skin. He saw his mouth open, Hinata’s lips part, but the sounds didn’t reach him, falling flat somewhere in this space where Naruto was ice cold, boiling hot and confused all at once, suspended in a body that was his in name but not in sensation. 

* * *

He gained smell first, jasmine notes lingering in matted navy hair, barely noticeable over the scent of sex and sweat. Touch came next as she shifted slightly and her hair tickled his neck. He glanced down to see her sleepy smile as she got up to shower. 

**_Kit._ ** Kurama’s voice was hesitant, almost wary. He closed his eyes, not fully dropping into the mindspace, but giving Kurama his attention. For some reason...he didn’t want to see himself or Kurama right now. 

_Yeah?_

He couldn’t see, but he could almost _feel_ Kurama’s stare. He didn’t know why the fox seemed off, but maybe that explained the strangeness of yesterday. 

_Are you okay?_

Kurama snorted. **_I’m fine._ ** He felt the weight of Kurama’s concentration again, scrutinizing him for _something_ that for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out. He must have passed, because finally, the fox let up. **_Go to sleep, you’re tired and you kept me up._ **

He rolled his eyes. The stupid fox must be cranky, and that’s why he felt...disconnected. He didn’t think much more of it and turned over to rest. 

* * *

_Hands. Hot, burning hands keep him almost motionless on the floor. If not for fear carving its way through his body he would most likely be immobilized. His heart continues to race, but he’s lost and confused. The air seems to move in slow motion. Brown eyes bordering on black give him a heated glance, and he continues to squirm. Panicked tears sluggishly crawl back into his hair, his ears. His screams are hoarse but persistent._

_“That’s fine, demon. Keep on screaming.” A guttural laugh and the eyes move closer. “No one cares to hear you.”_

_If he strains his head, he can see people rushing by on the right, bustling in the heart of the red light district. Are they...can they not hear him? How can they not hear him?_

_“Please,” he begs. He’s not sure what he’s asking for, but it’s the exact opposite of whatever this man wants to do._

_A rustle. Hands pulling at his jacket. Too much pressure, too much heat. He’s boiling in his skin._

_“Keep screaming, demon.” More laughter. “Keep screaming.”_

* * *

His head pounded as he shot up, gasping. He didn’t know what to make of his nightmare, not the recurring ones where Sasuke dies or Konoha falls, but one that seemed… oddly distant, for the amount of chaos it contained. Something he should have experienced a part of, but couldn’t recall for the life of him. Hinata must have left, judging by the slant of the sun in the window. It was almost afternoon. He stood on shaking legs and walked over to take the coldest shower he could. 

He just...didn’t want to be warm right now. 

He avoided the onsen and took a stroll outside. Yugakure was still in the midst of its tourist season, and he waved at the various people he saw as he walked the path. He could feel his tension slowly abate as he sat down at a ramen stall, ordering a bowl of miso. It wasn’t—something still felt wrong, but he could deal with it, for now. 

**_Do you ever order anything except ramen?_ **

Naruto stuck his tongue out in his mind. _Of course I do! But ramen is the food of the gods._

He wanted to try the ramen in every village. On the road with Jiraiya, he had managed to find ramen in Takigakure (okay), Getsugakure (not enough salt), Kusagakure (pretty good), Suna (great, but _waaay_ too spicy, sorry Gaara), and Tanigakure (their pork was...off). Ichiraku’s would always have his heart, but it was interesting to see how different places made his favorite foods. 

**_It’s a wonder how you’re still standing with the amount of sodium you regularly inhale._ **

He gave Kurama his sunniest grin. _It’s a good thing I have you, dattebayo!_

He finally broke his chopsticks and dug in. Immediately, he could tell that Yugakure did _not_ hold back with their spices. Their dashi was pretty good. The bamboo shoots were a bit stiff but still enjoyable. He mourned the lack of soy sauce. 

“I see you’re having fun.” 

He turned, mouth full of noodles, and Hinata stood there, smiling. Her hair was pulled back in an unusual bun—she must be trying to spare herself some of the heat. 

He nodded and swallowed. “I had to check Yugakure’s ramen off the list!” Hinata knew all about his ratings, and always listened when he took time ranting about flavors. It was one of the things he loved the most about her. 

She plopped down on the stool next to him. “On a scale from Getsugakure to Ichiraku’s, how are they?” She eyed an extra set of chopsticks on the counter. Naruto looked around for the chef, a man with incredibly long black hair and light green eyes. Thankfully, he was serving another customer on the other side of the establishment. 

He shook his hand back and forth. “Better than Tani.” 

Hinata nodded sagely, but he could see the way her eyes sparkled. “Everywhere is better than Tani.” He laughed loud enough for the chef to amble over to ask if everything was alright. 

And it was. Already, the tension from this morning had slipped away. It was him and Hinata, and he loved the woman in front of him with everything he had. 

* * *

After a day strolling around Yugakure, they had made it back to their suite. He noticed she gave him that smile again, and his stomach turned. He gave her his best smile, and they went into the shower together. 

This must have been what “cold feet” were, and it would probably go away once he got used to it, right? 

_(he didn’t get used to it.)_

* * *

After Hinata had gone to bed, Naruto took another frigid shower, standing under the water until his vision blurred from his shivers. He turned down the thermostat in the room and slipped back under the covers. 

* * *

_He was facedown in an alley. He could smell Ichiraku ramen, miso and soy curling around his nose. It was better than the smell of bad food and trash in the hot Konoha sun. He had fought, he_ tried, _but there was more than one set of hot hands and he couldn’t struggle anymore. He was so_ tired _and scared and he had just wanted Ichiraku’s._

_He only wanted to get some ramen._

_“If you relax, it won’t hurt as much.” A new voice, new hands. He pressed his face into the ground._

_Then another, deeper. Familiar, but he couldn’t place it. “I’m getting a headache. Gag him.”_

_A filthy rag was shoved into his mouth, clamped over by a hot hand._

_“Quieter than last time. He’s learning.”_

* * *

He was barely out of bed before he was heaving, barely managing to make it to the wastebasket near the bed. His stomach rolled with nausea, and he struggled to prop himself against the wall. 

The images from the dream replayed. The smell of hot trash in the midday sun. _Hot_ hands searing his skin, burning, burning. Voices he couldn’t place but rumbled strangely in his mind— like deja vu. He shook. He didn’t know _what_ in Kami’s name was happening to his dreams. 

“Naruto-kun? What happened?” Hinata’s voice barely cut through his panic. He could see her pause in his new corner, taking in his curled form. Embarrassment crawled up his throat (or was that vomit? He didn’t know.) He pushed the wastebasket aside and tried to get his lungs to work. 

Kurama was oddly quiet, and in his frenetic thoughts, he couldn’t reach the fox anyways. The world was dissolving into unfamiliar hands, unknown faces. He needed, he _needed—_

“Breathe with me, Naruto-kun.” Somehow she had slipped behind him and had begun to breathe loudly, exaggeratedly. He gasped at her breaths almost drunkenly, stuttering for the pattern. 

“That’s it. Keep breathing with me.” 

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but in time his vision stopped shaking and his lungs had stopped being assholes and started working. Hinata’s Byakugan had activated, and she scanned his body with a worried frown. She got up and went to the bathroom, coming back with cold towels soaked in water. She immediately started wiping his face. 

Now that he wasn’t in danger of immediately throwing up his insides, he could really feel embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his head. 

“Ah, it looks like Yugakure’s ramen may have been worse than Tani’s, ‘ttebayo,” he joked weakly. Hinata did not look convinced. She placed the towels on the table. 

“You’re not well,” she said softly. “You should stay in today.” He moved to protest because he was _fine,_ but Hinata was adamant. She moved him into bed, gave him water to rinse out his mouth, and sat by his side. 

Kami, even when his body freaked out on him, she was amazing. How did he get so lucky? 

“Sorry,” he muttered, exhausted. She stared back at him for a moment and shook her head slightly. 

“You have nothing to apologize for. Just _rest,_ Naruto-kun.” 

Normally he’d be fine with that, but..his dreams hadn’t been kind lately. 

He felt Kurama growl in his head. **_Listen to the Hyuuga,_** Kurama warned. There was an edge to his voice that wasn’t normally there. **_You’ll be fine._**

Naruto was honestly too tired to argue. He trusted Kurama, and he trusted Hinata. 

He turned over and immediately went back to sleep. 

* * *

_It’s dark, and he's warm. Really warm. Too warm, if he’s being honest._

_He peeks his eyes open, and all he can see is shades of red. Amber, crimson, and burgundy fur brushes his arms, sending goosebumps down his skin._

_Kurama?_

_He can hear the rushing of the stream he_ knows was _in the sealspace. He has to be in Kurama’s valley, but it doesn't explain why he's in Kurama’s tails._

_‘You wanna tell me why I’m in your tails?’ he asks. Kurama says nothing, but the tails press closer._

**_You’re tired. Just rest._ **

_He can't disagree. He closes his eyes and sinks into the tails._

* * *

When he woke up, Hinata was flipping through a book on gardening, and the sun had sunk low in the sky. His mouth tasted gummy and disgusting, but he actually felt rested for the first time in days. He blinked his eyes open. 

The room was warmer, and he found himself squirming slightly. Hinata glanced up from the book and hurriedly made her way to his side. 

“You look better,” she said, scanning him again with the Byakugan. ”I turned up the thermostat, it was a bit cold in here and I didn’t want you to get worse.” 

That made sense, even if he didn’t like it. “Thank you,” he rasped. She smiled. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better.” She paused and bit her lip. It seemed like she struggled with her thoughts, before finally saying, “I will always listen to what you have to say, should you need to get anything off your chest.” 

He let the words sink in. He didn’t know what to say to them— _he_ had no clue what was going on. 

“Thank you, Hinata.” He gave her the best smile he could. 

He’d figure out what the _hell_ was happening, he’d stop worrying her, and they’d get back to their vacation. 

* * *

It was easier said than done. After a day and a half of bed rest, Hinata gave him a clean bill of health. They explored Yugakure, met more of the locals, and went back to Hinata’s favorite place, the onsen. 

( _he honestly couldn’t stand the heat, but he would, for her.)_

It would be great if everything had gone back to normal, but it hadn’t. He no longer had the nightmares he had experienced, but he no longer had _good_ dreams either. His dreams consisted of being suffocated by 9 big hot tails. Kurama had stopped talking to him, and he could only really reach the dumb fox in dreams, but then Kurama just wanted him to rest. 

It was frustrating. It was irritating. 

It was...lonely. 

The only other time he could see Kurama was when he and Hinata were... together.

Hinata liked morning sex. And afternoon sex. And evening sex. And weekend sex. And _I just got back from the onsen_ sex. And just because sex.

He disappeared inside himself. 

again.

and _again_ ,

and **again**.

and **_aGaIn._ **

* * *

The night before he and Hinata returned to Konoha, Naruto plopped down for meditation, pushing aside the robes in his way. 

_Calm_ , he thought. _Focus._ He swirled his chakra through his body, taking care to try and mix his and Kurama’s yin and yang chakra. But as time passed, it was clear he was struggling. 

_(he. couldn’t. stop. shaking.)_

After 30 minutes of unsuccessful focusing, he heard the growl of Kurama buzzing in his ears and felt the pull of his consciousness into the mindscape. 

Kurama sat in the middle of the meadow, flicking his tails away from the butterflies floating about. From here, the stream looked more like a river. The lax nature of the seal allowed Naruto and Kurama to shape his surroundings, and Kurama liked to be surrounded by nature. He said it made him calmer, but Naruto didn’t know if Kurama was ever truly calm. 

**_What, brat?_ **

Case in point. 

And maybe if Naruto hadn’t felt like his nerves were slowly but surely buzzing out of his skin the past couple months, maybe if he had actually relaxed like Sakura and Kakashi-sensei said he should, he wouldn’t have paid as close attention as he was. But he could see the way Kurama barely met his eyes, the almost frenetic twist of his tails. 

Naruto flopped onto the field opposite Kurama, picking at the grass. They had come far from the sewer that had dominated Naruto’s childhood. _Something’s wrong_ , he said, plucking at the weeds he found. He didn’t like coming here with accusations, but it was practically staring him in the face. 

Naruto sighed. _You’re not telling me something._ He glanced up to stare and meet Kurama’s eyes. To his credit, Kurama didn’t flinch, and they spent the next few minutes in silence. 

Surprisingly, Naruto didn’t mind. After the war and the craziness that had come before it, he didn’t feel the need to fill the space with chatter. He watched the river rushing by, a deep denim color that looked black. While Kurama stared at him, Naruto inspected his tails, picking out the different shades he had come to be familiar with over the past two weeks. A crimson tail poked him in the chest. 

**_What of it?_ ** He finally said, and he pinned Naruto with a glare. **_It’s nothing you need to worry about._ **

Naruto gripped the grass tightly. _It is when you’re freaking out about something and that’s freaking me out._

Kurama huffed. **_I’m not ‘freaking out’ about anything, brat._ **But Kurama was still...disquieted, somehow. There was something causing his tension, and Naruto didn’t know what. 

_You know you can tell me anything, right?_

When Kurama didn’t respond, Naruto got up and began to wander the area. He was almost to the river when Kurama said, **_I know. But you need not worry about this._ **

For the first time in years, Kurama booted him out of his head. 

* * *

The return to Konoha was fairly uneventful. He smiled as he took in the scents and sights of home. He may have wanted to avoid its craziness for a bit, but Naruto never liked leaving Konoha for long. Judging by Hinata’s smile, she felt the same. 

“Naruto!” Izumo and Kotetsu chorused as they stamped their papers. “The village has been quiet without you.” He laughed. 

“Looks like I’ll be making your job more interesting then, ttebayo!” They waved him in, and Hinata stopped him from trying to shunshin to the apartment. 

“Let’s walk, it’s a beautiful day.” 

She was right. Hinata slipped her hand in his as they made their way through Konoha. The villagers smiled and waved. He still wasn’t completely used to it. 

They wound the corner to see Sakura leaving the hospital. “Look at you two lovebirds,” Sakura chirped, smiling. Her hair was an absolute wreck, and her doctor's coat was lazily dangled over her arm. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days. “How was Yugakure?” 

While Hinata and Sakura chatted, he tried to reach Kurama, but the fox was keeping him out. He frowned. He wasn’t sure what was happening anymore. 

“Why the face, Naruto?” Sakura’s face darkened. “You _did_ relax, right?” 

Yikes, he didn’t think he could make Sakura this angry in a few minutes of coming back. Naruto rubbed the back of his head. “Of course I did, Sakura!” he laughed, trying to find an excuse. “I think I forgot to throw out some food in the fridge before leaving, I’m a little worried about what I’m going to walk into.” 

“You did,” Hinata said immediately. She laughed at him. “I took care of it.” 

Naruto’s chest felt warm. “Thank you, Hinata.” He wasn’t sure what his face looked like, but Hinata blushed and looked away. Sakura grinned widely. 

“I’m glad the vacation went well,” she said smugly. She hefted her bag on her shoulder. “I just got out of a 16-hour surgery, so I’m going home. But all of us are going to get together and eat soon, okay?” She rolled her eyes. “I think Ino and Sai are finally going to tell us they’ve been dating like we don’t already know.” 

They said their goodbyes and left. As they got into the apartment, Naruto thought he was worrying over nothing. Kurama probably needed to rest, and then he would stop freaking out and everything would be fine. 

* * *

He went back to work the next day, and it was clear Shikamaru was tired of doing both their portions. He dropped a stack of paperwork on Naruto’s desk and pulled out a cigarette. 

“Welcome back,” he grunted shortly. Naruto grinned at him sheepishly as he walked away. Shikamaru must be stressed if he’s already smoking in the morning. 

Since Kaka-sensei had become Hokage and Naruto had been named successor, he and Shikamaru had the same job as Hokage’s assistant. It was fun, a _lot_ of paperwork, but it made it all the more believable that one day the seat would be his. He enjoyed seeing what the Hokage did during the day.

Even if the Hokage was Kakashi-sensei. 

He still wasn’t sure exactly _how_ the man finished all his work. Each time he’s gone into the office, Kaka-sensei was reading Icha Icha, or petting his dogs, or even taking a nap. Judging from the resignation of the ANBU guards, it was something that they were quite used to. 

It _didn’t_ explain how all his paperwork was completed, or how he was being called one of the best Kage in history for his reforms. It was just as infuriating as the mask he wore. They even carved it into the monument, for Kami’s sake! One day, he would finally see his sensei’s face, even if he had to make it a law to do so. 

Speaking of Sensei...

“Naruto! How was your trip?”

Kakashi-sensei had honestly appeared out of nowhere and was sitting at Shikamaru’s desk, reading Icha Icha Tactics. _He hated editing that book, Ero-sennin used waaay too many commas and he never knew when the sentences were going to end._

“It was good, thanks for recommending it!” For the most part, he _did_ have a good time. Now, if he could figure out Kurama, he’d be perfect. 

Kakashi-sensei stared at him, silent, for a few moments. Naruto wasn’t sure what he was looking for. Even with two eyes, he was still as mystifying as ever. 

After a stretched period of silence, Sensei finally nodded. “Good. You look rested. You were looking a little ragged before.” 

“Hey! Take that back!” 

“Maa, I can’t be honest?” 

“You probably look ragged underneath that mask.” 

“Ah, but I thought I was only hiding my blimp lips under the mask.” 

Naruto screeched. 

* * *

He had forgotten about his issues with Kurama for most of the day until he decided to get ramen on the way home. It had been a _long_ time since he had Ichiraku’s. He grabbed his wallet and began walking, cutting through downtown to get there quicker. 

He grabbed 5 bowls to go since he knew Hinata would want to have some ramen too, and he didn’t mind sharing ramen from other villages, but Ichiraku’s was a no go. He _inhaled_ his bowls. 

Naruto chatted with Ayame-nee and Teuchi-jiji before heading out. He wasn’t really paying attention as he walked but waved hello to a few people. He took a step back to move out of the way of a small family, backing into an alley. As he was turning, he—

_Pain. His lower back hurts, his butt hurts, he doesn't want to walk._

_But he has to._

_The eyes follow him, out of the alley, into the street. He trudges home, more of a limp than a walk, wincing on the steps to his apartment. No one says anything to him. No one yells at him. Or maybe they do; his ears are buzzing and his vision has tunneled on his path. If today hadn’t been so awful, maybe he’d be happy about it._

_He gets to his apartment, and immediately takes off his jumpsuit. It’s still surprisingly whole, but dirty, with a few holes where he tried to fight. On the back he sees four fat drops of blood, already drying brown._

_He sits and stares._

Someone bumped into him, and it was only years of shinobi instinct that stopped him from dropping the ramen. He bent his knees slightly, absorbing the motion. Ignoring the question of if he was alright because _he really didn’t fucking know_ , he shunshined to his apartment, nearly slamming into his front door. 

When he got in, he dropped the bowls of ramen on the counter, told Hinata he had already eaten, and immediately went to freeze himself in the shower. 

* * *

_Okay_ , he thought. _So t_ _here’s definitely something wrong_. 

He closed his eyes and began to sink into the mindscape. When he saw Kurama, it was clear something was _terribly_ wrong. 

The fox sat on what was no longer a meadow, but the world’s smallest island: murky water pressed in from the sides. There was no sand, only matted grass and rocks. It didn’t look like a conscious choice, and honestly, didn’t look that great either; the water was almost definitely black, and the sky was bleak. Naruto sat curled up in the tails, confused and concerned. 

_Kurama, you need to tell me what’s going on._

His idiot of a partner wouldn’t look at him. **_You should not be here._ **

Naruto frowned. _It’s my mind, ‘ttebayo. Why shouldn’t I be here?_

Kurama’s tails twitched. **_I’m redecorating._ **

Naruto stared at the choppy charcoal waves that stretched on as far as he could see, the matted grass, the cloudy sky. _Is that what we’re calling it?_

Kurama said nothing. Naruto gritted his teeth. 

_I’m trying to help you, you stupid fox. Just tell me what’s wrong, so we can fix it!_

**_You can’t fix it!_ ** Kurama roared, baring his teeth as well. Naruto didn’t know why, but something about Kurama looked almost...guilty. **_Just leave._ **

Naruto fought a sneer. _Will you kick me out again?_

Kurama stayed quiet, then: **_If I have to, then yes._ **

Naruto found himself back in the shower. He struck at one of the tiles, snarling. He threw on his clothes, and when he came out, Hinata was in bed, reading. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. Naruto shrugged. 

“It was just a long day at work.” 

As they turned off the lights and Hinata moved closer, Naruto couldn’t help a wince. He had _definitely forgotten to_ turn down the thermostat, and he felt like he was boiling. 

* * *

_He’s back in the tails, but they feel different. Wet. He hates the sensation._

_He jabs at a few, but they hold tight. He wrestles his way up to the faint light he could see and peeks out._

_Kurama’s tails are holding him up on an even smaller section of grass, while the fox is almost chest-deep in the dark black water. He snarls at Naruto._

**_Go back to sleep, idiot!_ **

_Naruto scoffs. ‘If you think I’m going back to sleep while things are like_ this _, you don’t know me. Let me_ **_fix_ ** _it, Kurama!’_

 _Kurama’s hair stands up._ **_You will do no such thing._ **

_Kurama roars._

* * *

He jolted awake and took a quick glance at the clock. Against the backdrop of the rain, he could see it was only 4 in the morning. He already had a headache. That wasn’t the biggest issue, though. Kurama had shut off the sealspace to him. 

That had never happened...ever. Even when he was a brat and couldn’t get there, it wasn’t because Kurama had shut him out, he just never learned the way. The sealspace hadn’t ever looked that terrible either, not even when it was a sewer. He tried to go back in, but the door seemed to be shut to him. It shouldn’t have felt so lonely, but it did. 

Hinata turned next to him, and her hand landed on his chest. He felt hot, too hot. 

He gently removed her arm and headed towards the kitchen. He drank multiple cups of cold water and stared out the window. 

He may as well start the day. 

* * *

He was groggy when he made it to the office. He had gone on a run in the rain, thinking it would be cool and pleasant, but it was still humid and the rain was warm—a terrible combination. He had left just as Hinata was waking up to go to the hospital, and she had run a hand down his arm and told him to come home on time. His stomach flipped. 

“Well, don’t you look happy today, sunshine.” He reminded himself that he couldn’t flip off the Hokage. He _couldn’t,_ even if he really wanted to. He settled for a glare instead. 

Kakashi-sensei chuckled. “If Sasuke wasn’t already on the road, I would say you two have been spending too much time together. That glare was almost impressive.” He rustled around the papers on his desk. “Long night?” 

Naruto nodded, and when he didn’t add anything else, Kakashi turned back to him. A few moments passed in silence before Kakashi seemed to shrug inwardly. “Grab the genin assignments. We’re changing the dead last, rookie and top kunoichi team formation.” He gave Naruto a tired, amused glance. “It has extremely varied results.” 

“Hey! We were great!” 

“Great at being a pain in my ass.” 

“ _Sensei.”_

* * *

Later, Naruto once again watched himself fall apart from the safety of a maroon tail. 

_Why is it you’re here now,_ he asked, _but during the day you refuse to talk to me?_

Kurama didn’t say anything. Outside the space, Hinata cried out and slumped into the mattress. Naruto rolled to the side. 

_So you’re ignoring me here too?_

Silence. He craned his neck to glare at Kurama—

And the fox was fast asleep. 

* * *

Two weeks had passed, and after his second frigid shower that day, Naruto realized he needed a plan. 

His head was completely silent, his hands had started to shake, and he couldn’t stop jumping at shadows. His head flashed with images of moments he _could not remember,_ and he didn’t know what to do about it. 

He couldn’t go to the Yamanaka. He didn’t want to describe displaced memories of himself. He didn’t want them to see it either. He didn’t want Hinata or any of their friends to think he was insane, not after all the chaos they had to go through with the war. He wanted _normal,_ but normal had gone and died somewhere and he couldn’t even find its resting place. 

He had grown used to Kurama’s dry, snarky commentary throughout the day, sending thoughts back on a whim almost reflexively. Like learning to throw kunai or walk on water, he learned how to talk to his best friend, understood his content and bored silences as well as his sullen, nostalgic ones, for better or for worse. 

Kurama was quiet, but he could feel the fox’s unease, in the same way he felt nausea making waves in his stomach. 

There was nothing to stop the flood of memories, to stop the wandering hands and heavy, dark glances or _four drops of brown blood on an orange jumpsuit._ Kurama was an unknowing lifeboat and Naruto was drifting, no, _drowning,_ in hot hands and hot mouths and blood and spit and tears. 

* * *

He was almost knee-deep in paperwork when Shikamaru asked, ”I’m going to get Ichiraku’s for lunch, will you be ready to leave in a couple of minutes?” 

Naruto’s stomach rolled with a gnawing hunger and unrelenting nausea. He hadn’t walked back to Ichiraku’s since he freaked out by that alley. He stamped a tea trading contract from Takigakure. “I’m not hungry, you go ahead.” 

He was foraging for the other Taki contracts when Shikamaru broke the silence with a, “You’re _not_ hungry? For ramen?” 

He looked up and he could honestly say this was the first time he’d ever seen Shikamaru look startled. He waved a hand. 

“I ate earlier. I just want to finish the rest of this work before I head out for the day.” Truthfully, he had finished his work for the day, and for about half of tomorrow. Hinata had been feeling… excited, recently, and he was tired of the heat and stickiness of sex. He just wanted to jump into an ice lake for a year. 

He blinked when Shikamaru was less than a foot away from him, staring at him intensely. “Shika, what are you _doing_?” 

Shikamaru said nothing, then: “How long was I under the genjutsu during the Chunin Exams?” 

Naruto sputtered. “What?” 

“Answer the question. How long was I under the genjutsu during the Chunin Exams?”

Naruto furrowed his brow. “You weren’t under the genjutsu. Sakura tried waking you up and you were just pretending to sleep, lazy ass.”

Shikamaru’s shoulders slumped. “Good. Had to make sure you weren’t a stray Zetsu clone or something troublesome.” The intense look in his eyes hadn’t lessened, though. 

Naruto was a bit offended. “Wait, so me not wanting ramen makes me a Zetsu clone?” 

Shikamaru sighed. “No, but you’ve been off recently. Had to make sure.” He ambled off, and Naruto sat back down, thinking. Something about that conversation was important… something…

His head shot up. _Clone._ Shika was truly a genius. 

* * *

Maybe it said something about Naruto that this was one of the best ideas he’d thought of, because it was a _terrible_ idea. He had a conflicted sense of pride around it. 

Naruto had done a lot he wasn't proud of. He was five when he tripped the matron at the orphanage and she broke her hip. Six when he accidentally burst in on a meeting between Hokage-Jiji and the council, seven when he pranked Iruka-sensei for the first time when the man walked into a trap that drenched all of the just-marked tests the man spent hours completing in glitter glue. Eight when he completed his _infamous_ prank of painting the Hokage mountain orange.

(okay, maybe he’s a little proud of that one.)

But as he made a shadow clone to go back to his and Hinata’s apartment...well—

He...he thought that might have been the worst one. 

* * *

It worked, though. 

Shikamaru had left, and Naruto had done a bit more work before finally heading out a few hours later. He had decided to walk around the training grounds, doing some light kunai practice before sitting and watching the river rush by. He only checked in on his clone to make sure it hadn’t dispelled. 

It was cool and quiet here, enough that he was able to start parsing out his thoughts. 

He had originally thought the fear was Kurama’s, and everything that had come after was just some residual emotions from whatever was happening with the fox, but it didn’t add up. That was _his_ jumpsuit he saw, bloodied and torn. He _knew_ that alley near Ichiraku’s, and he never remembered being face down in it before, but if he thought about it a bit too much, he could almost smell the trash and taste the dirt. Way too scary to be a dream, way too vivid to be a nightmare. Unless the Kurama clan or Sasuke’s brother had made a reappearance, it wasn’t a genjutsu. 

They were memories. They were _his_ memories, they _had_ to be. 

So why couldn’t he _actually_ remember them? 

* * *

It was past midnight when his clone let him know that she had fallen asleep. He began his walk back to their apartment. It waited for him on the couch, wrapped in a robe and not looking him in the eye. He could see the bags under the clone's eyes and the slumped shoulders. Was _that_ what he looked like these days? Naruto felt bad. It walked into the bathroom, breathed out, and dispelled itself. Naruto made his way back to their bedroom in the dark. 

His mind flashed with memories of the dark, the hot press of Hinata’s hands, her whimpers in his ear. 

In a blink, he was heaving over the trash can. 

* * *

It started a precedent. 

He was pretty sure lust was _not_ a negative emotion, but he had started to treat it as one. Whenever he felt any spike of lust from Hinata, he used Kawarimi to replace himself with a clone. After a while, he started sending a clone home, just to be sure. It wasn’t the best option, and having a clone that exists solely to have sex was probably not the Nidaime’s purpose for the Kage Bunshin, but he went with it anyway. It was the best option he had. 

He didn’t think anyone in the Hokage office noticed him making a shadow clone to go home most days until he was resting in a tree and he heard: 

“Maa, hiding already? I always thought a relationship would suit you, Naruto.” 

Naruto definitely did not flinch, and glanced up from the tree he was _definitely not hiding in_ , thank you _very_ much, to scowl at his old sensei. Kakashi was perched on a higher branch, draped in his Hokage robes though missing the hat, miraculously soundless even though there was no wind and Naruto had been here for a few hours already. 

“I just missed the village, that’s all.” He honestly _did._ Or maybe it was that he missed how normal he had felt in the village before he left for vacation. It was a toss-up. 

Kakashi hummed and swept two gray eyes over their old training ground. For all that Kakashi wasn’t looking at him, Naruto could _tell_ he was trying to figure out what’s going on. He hadn’t been able to slip anything past the man since he was 12 years old, he didn’t know why he’s trying so hard then. He just needed time and space to sort himself out. 

He wanted to tell the man to mind his own business, or maybe go and actually _lead the village,_ but it was a chilly Thursday night and Hokages weren’t chained to their offices, as much as it seemed like they were _._

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

At that, Naruto narrowed his eyes and whipped his head towards his Hokage. To his surprise, Kakashi was staring at him intently, looking for all the world like he hadn’t rocked Naruto’s world for wanting to talk about _feelings._

It couldn’t be a Zetsu clone, but something was up. This couldn’t be Kakashi-sensei. 

He was glad he wasn’t entirely hopeless at detecting genjutsu. He cut off his chakra, redirected the flow, and he was about to cut it again when he heard the low rumble of his asshole sensei chuckling.

“This isn’t a genjutsu, Naruto, I just want to know how my cute little student is doing.” The man's eyes crinkled in a grin, but when he opened them, Naruto was met with a piercing glance. 

“This isn’t like you.” 

Naruto sighed, shrugged. “I’ll figure it out.” He shunshined away before he could be called out for lying. 

* * *

He knew it couldn’t last forever. 

Their first real fight was entirely his fault. The worst part was that the catalyst could have been embarrassing, if not a bit humorous, if he had actually _been_ there: gearing towards the crest of orgasm with Hinata, only for his girlfriend to lose control of her not so Gentle Fist and accidentally hit one of his tenketsu points. 

When his clone dispersed, he laughed for a short moment in the quiet of the Hokage office, then lapsed into horror. 

Shit. 

He was so _screwed_. 

He waved goodbye to a bemused Shikamaru (they were honestly finished with the day's work and a good portion of tomorrow’s work, Shikamaru seemed to stay because Naruto wouldn’t leave) and ran for his life. 

Let it be said that while it was almost impossible to hide from a Hyuga, day or night, it was _absolutely_ impossible to hide from an angry Hyuga. He lasted an hour before Hinata found him in Training Ground 44, eyes glowing an ominous white. He looked from the Forest of Death to his girlfriend, and back again. He began contemplating just what option would give him an easier death. 

He should have jumped into one of those snakes mouths. 

“What is going on, Naruto.” She didn’t scream, she didn't shout, but the lack of honorific and the colder tone sent shivers down his spine. He didn’t realize how much he was used to the warm tone she always used for him until it was gone. 

He didn’t want to mess this up. He just didn’t want to hurt her, but he did anyway. 

“It’s nothing! I was just busy at work, I’m sorry.” he struggled not to wince. She would see right through that, she knew his schedule. 

This was _not_ good. He hated lying to the people he loved, and Hinata was right at the top of that list. He had tried to pretend it was okay, but he felt like he was fracturing, and he could no longer keep track of his own pieces. He was so out of touch with himself it angered him. 

She walked closer, and Naruto could see that she was crying. His heart sunk. “Did you know the Byakugan can detect lies?” she whispered. She lifted a hand and placed it gently on his chest. “Chakra begins to flow faster around the pathways leading to the heart.” She looked at him, brows drawn low over her eyes. “If there’s something I’ve done wrong, please let me know how to fix it—” 

He’s shaking his head before she could finish. “You’ve done nothing wrong! It’s just me, it’s not you.”

Her lips were pressed together with a worrying amount of force. “That’s not true, Naruto. Something has been wrong since our trip, and you won’t tell me. I just want to h—” 

His lips moved before his brain could catch up. “I just don’t want to have sex with you!” The words bounced around the trees of the forest, and a part of Naruto wished Orochimaru had just killed him in this hellhole 5 years ago. 

Hinata’s eyes widened, and she took a step back. “I-i see,” she said stiffly. Her eyes spilled with more tears. Kami, he screwed up. 

“No, Hinata, it’s not—” she shunshined away before he could finish. 

* * *

He was an idiot. An absolute fool. 

He should have just _told_ her. Told her about the nightmares, the mess with Kurama, the way he felt like crawling out of his skin if his temperature was anything above freezing. But the truth sat heavy and buoyant on his tongue. He couldn’t go back and talk to her now if he could barely figure it out himself. 

Making a quick calculation, he turned and started going towards the one place he knew he would always be welcome, the one place that had stayed the same when everything else started spinning. 

He knocked on the door, stuffing his hands in his pockets. When it opened, he tried to grin, but it came out as a weak grimace. 

“Hey, Iruka-sensei.”

* * *

Iruka-sensei was _not_ impressed, but he let Naruto stay on the couch, before giving him the spare key and setting him down to make some hot chocolate. He wasn’t sure what it was about his face recently, but when he looked at people they immediately got concerned. 

He flopped on the couch and felt himself smile. The first time Naruto was allowed to sleep over was just after the Wave mission, before the Chunin exams. Afterward, he went on the training trip with Jiraiya, but when he came back Iruka-sensei allowed him to come over whenever. He could be a real mother hen sometimes, but a lot of Naruto liked the coddling— Iruka-sensei was the first person to really care about him.

The heat was on, but Iruka-sensei’s windows were open, so Naruto leaned into the breeze. 

“Okay, drink up, and then tell me what’s going on.” Naruto gulped and took a sip of the overly sweet chocolate. He had definitely driven Iruka-sensei towards a sweet tooth as a kid, and it showed in the hot chocolate he liked to make, no matter what time of year it was. 

“I had a fight with Hinata,” he said, taking interest in the lines of the tatami mat. He could almost _feel_ Iruka raise an eyebrow. “I just think it would be better if I stayed away for a while.” 

He was a _terrible_ boyfriend, but he felt something...like relief, knowing that since he and Hinata were fighting, they wouldn’t be having sex for the near future. It was accompanied by no small amount of shame, because Kami _, what had he come to_. 

“What did you do, Naruto?” he asked, leaning on the sofa. Naruto didn’t know how to describe the clusterfuck that was his life right now. 

“I wasn’t honest,” he decided to say, looking up. Iruka’s face immediately fell, disappointed. Naruto _hated_ that face, it reminded him of bad grades at the academy and failed Bunshin practice. 

“You _know_ you should tell the truth. Nothing comes from lies.”

Naruto picked at a pillow. “But, what if it’s different? What if it’s not lying, but...not being able to say something that needs to be said.” 

Iruka-sensei’s eyes narrowed. “Why can’t you say what needs to be said?” 

Anxiety. Fear. Feeling his life starting to fracture and crack around him. Not knowing what the hell was happening anymore. Not knowing what's _real_ anymore. Not knowing if he was cracking up himself. 

“Naruto, you’re shaking.” The concern in Iruka-sensei’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. 

It would be so _easy,_ he thought, if the words could have just come out the way he needed them to. But they managed to get stuck, _each_ and every Kamidamned time, right when he needed to grasp them. But…

If he was right, if the memories were true…

What would Iruka say? Would he be upset? Disappointed that Naruto couldn’t fight back? Would he believe it? 

“I _can’t, '_ ttebayo _._ I just can’t.” 

The conversation dwindled into silence, and Naruto stared at his cup.

“You’ve never let things intimidate you Naruto, you shouldn’t start now.” Naruto jolted, before staring at Iruka-sensei. 

He wanted to say that he was right. He didn’t back down from anything, and he shouldn’t let some weird memories drag him down. But it felt different, in a way he couldn’t describe. Then again, maybe he was just being melodramatic—he had made it through so much so far, he could make it through this, _right_? He would just have to fake it till he made it, and it would all be fine. 

“Huh, maybe you’re right, Iruka-sensei.” His grin probably looked like a grimace, but he was _trying,_ dammit. “Thank you!” 

* * *

_He somehow manages to limp back to his apartment. He tries to run the water as cold as possible but he’s never had amazing luck and his landlord also_ hates _him, so the water runs lukewarm for 5 seconds then stutters, stops, and runs cold and slightly brown._

_He scrubs anyway, scrubs and scrubs until there are long pink lines running down his arms and legs. His injuries never last, they never do, and he hopes this day goes along with the cuts._

_It doesn’t._

* * *

He shot up, clenching his chest and gasping. After a moment, he finally found a clock and gaped. 

Was it—it was almost _noon_?! He wasn’t sure if he had slept. He felt exhausted. He needed to get up now, or Shikamaru was going to be annoyed with him. He tried not to be late as Kakashi-sensei’s successor, and now he had blown that out of the water. 

It took him a second to reorient himself to his surroundings. He was laying haphazardly on the couch in Iruka-sensei’s apartment. There was a note on the table. 

_Naruto,_

_Don’t worry about coming in today—Kakashi said you could take today off. Rest and make sure you eat, okay? Breakfast is in the fridge._

Something about the note itched at him, but he shrugged it off. He smiled, cracked his back, and stumbled to the kitchen for breakfast. 

Come to think of it, he _was_ pretty tired. After eating, He turned the lights off and left the windows open until the entire apartment was ice cold, and finally settled underneath the sheets. It was the middle of the day, there was no one around, and Naruto finally felt like he could breathe.

* * *

He fell asleep. He woke up. Trembled. Tried again. 

* * *

_Fake it till you make it._

He could do that. Pretend that Kurama was still talking to him, pretend that there weren’t snippets of _wrong_ banging around his head, pretend that everything was still okay. He had done it growing up not understanding why everyone hated him, he had done it when the Akatsuki came after him, he had done it during the war. He would be _fine._

He told himself this days later as he followed Shikamaru to Yakiniku Q for the Konoha 11 meet up. It truly _had_ been a while—everyone was busy enjoying peacetime, and the duties that came with it; Sakura had taken over as head of the hospital, Ino was running the flower shop and the mental health clinic, Kiba had joined the Military Police, Tenten had taken over her father’s weapons shop. Everyone was doing amazing things, and Naruto was incredibly happy that their dreams were coming true. This was what they had all fought and bled for, they _deserved_ it. 

_(It also wasn’t even Konoha 11 anymore; it’s what the villagers called their group, sure, but there was a glaring Neji-sized hole that would never be filled even though Sai made the group 12 again, with the inclusion of Sasuke.)_

It was only when he got into the barbecue restaurant that he remembered that Hinata was also a part of the Konoha 11, and they still hadn’t talked yet. 

Judging by the lazy, yet firm grip on his sleeve, it was doubtful he’d be able to escape. He could _maybe_ send a clone…

No, that’s what got him in trouble in the first place. 

By the time he and Shikamaru arrived, the rest of their friends had already been seated. Hinata, Ino, Sai, and Sakura were sitting on one side, while Tenten, Lee, and Kiba took the other. Shino and Chouji had pulled up a chair, and so had...Sasuke. Naruto’s eyes widened. Last time he checked, Sasuke was somewhere in Frost country looking for Ootsutsuki leads. 

“Bastard? What are you doing here?” He grabbed a chair and pulled up next to the Uchiha, ignoring the empty spot left in the booth. He saw Hinata’s eyes cut to him, then back to her conversation. 

“Clearly, we’re about to have lunch, Naruto.” Sasuke stared at him like _he_ was the one not being normal. Naruto’s brow furrowed. 

“I know for a _fact_ you were in Frost country like a week ago. Why did you come back?” His eyes narrowed. “There aren't any leads, right?” 

Sasuke shook his head. “Kakashi wanted me to stop by.” Huh. That didn’t make sense. Kakashi never called Sasuke back unless something was wrong. 

What could be wrong? He looked over at Sakura. She _seemed_ to be doing fine—he knew she was busy at the hospital, but she looked happy. He _still_ wasn’t sure what was going on between her and Sasuke, and at this point, he was too confused to ask. Maybe he had come back for her? 

“I know thinking is difficult for you, don’t stress yourself.” 

He swiveled his head to glare at the Uchiha. “I can think just fine, ‘ttebayo. I’m going to be Hokage!” 

“Is it too late to move to Suna?” 

“Shut _up_ , Sasuke! You’re barely even here!” 

“If you guys are done with your lovers' spat, can we eat?” Choji interrupted. The Akimichi fixated on the plates of barbecue being laid in front of them. He didn’t notice how Naruto and Hinata had stilled, before looking down at their plates. Ino, Sakura, and Shikamaru were too observant _not_ to notice. 

Sakura glanced between them. “Is everything oka—” 

“We should eat!” Naruto exclaimed, spearing some pork and shoving it into his mouth. Sakura’s nose scrunched at the sight, but she didn’t continue, so mission accomplished. 

Conversation flowed for what felt like hours. There was a lot to catch up on, and Naruto didn’t want to miss any of it. Apparently Shino was going to be taking over as clan head (“Why? Because it was time for his mother to pass on her duties.”) Lee was thinking of becoming a jonin instructor, and Naruto could already hear the complaints of whichever genin he would get saddled with. Choji was also going to be taking over as clan head soon, but for now was learning the ropes at different Akimichi restaurants, and trying not to eat all their merchandise.

Naruto let the conversations wash over him. He could feel his muscles relaxing, the amount of tension he carried seeming to lessen. He didn’t realize how much he missed his friends and their company. 

So, naturally, things _had_ to go wrong. 

Everyone had gotten out to leave, holding their full stomachs. Naruto hadn’t eaten that much in a while—his nausea hadn’t really died down, and he was probably going to regret it later. 

Naruto was poking fun at Sasuke’s poncho when he turned and saw...a face. 

The man was older, closer to his 50s, probably a civilian from his stocky build and posture. His skin was tanned, and his hair was black and sheared extremely short at the temples. From the way he leaned against one of the lanterns by the tea shop, he was most likely waiting for someone outside. Naruto _felt_ more than saw beady-eyed stare. The man smiled, and Naruto immediately felt a spike of lust. 

He was _sure_ he had never seen the guy before in his life, but something about his face...something… 

It would be a moment he would think about for the rest of his life, one he would turn over in his head from every angle he could, one he wished he could forget, but that was the crux of his issue, wasn’t it? 

He was joking with Sasuke, the man smiled, and his world…blurred. 

* * *

_He’s staring up at darkdarkdark brown eyes, mouth pulled into a mocking smile._

_“There’s nowhere to run, demon.” He begins to laugh. “But you can scream if you’d like.”_

_His jumpsuit is torn. The alley reeks of rotten milk and hot trash. He’s boiling in his skin. There’s someone’s breath on his skin and it’s_ rancid. 

_“Let’s have some fun.”_

* * *

_He’s back in the mindspace._

_There’s no land. All he can see is black water, pressing down on him, hot and uncomfortable. A sodden burgundy tail reaches for him, but the water drags him back._

_An enraged roar that dwindles into a gurgle._

_He’s drowning. He has no energy to fight. The water drags him down._

* * *

_He wanted to get ramen, but then there had been those darkdarkdark eyes again and someone else, someone with green eyes and blonde hair and a warm smile who told him that if he relaxed it would all be okay, but they shoved a rag in his mouth and the world went topsy turvy so whatdidanyofitmatteranyways—_

* * *

_He’s scrubbing an orange jumpsuit. There are 4 drops of blood in the seat of his pants and they’re not coming out and he doesn’t know how to sew and his vision is swimming. He scrubs and scrubs until the water turns cold and he finds he_ likes _it better that way. Likes it more than the feeling of boiling and heat and sweat on his skin that doesn’t dry._

* * *

_More faces. More hands. He’sdrowninghe’sdrowninghe’sdrowning._

**_Snap out of it, kit!_ **

_Another roar. A feeling of vertigo._

* * *

**“** Naruto!” 

He shook his head, trying to focus on the wide pair of mismatched eyes boring a hole into his. The world seemed to be staring at him then, his friends, the villagers, the stray dogs that cowered on the corner of the street but refused to turn their back to him, like they expected a blow at any moment. 

_Oh._ He blinked and pulled back his killing intent. In an instant, the villagers sagged, and his friends relaxed. Despite his best judgment, he craned his head behind Sasuke, but the man was either gone or Naruto’s vision hadn’t focused enough to pinpoint him. He couldn’t see the dark eyes, but it didn’t matter. He knew. He _knew_ , so what did any of it matter anyway. 

There were hands on him now, and big white eyes scanning his body. The world was too hot and his mind was flashing with images that could no longer be ignored. 

He ripped the hands off with numb fingers and shunshined away. 

* * *

**_You need to stop._ **

He didn’t even register Kurama’s voice. He kept going, faster and faster and faster, out of Konoha’s walls, into the forest. He cleared the trees and kept running, running until the ground evened and the air was thick with the smell of sea salt. He stopped when _all_ his limbs began to shake, not just his hands. He tried to kick off a rock but missed the mark and his chakra control decided to fail him, so he crashed. 

He barely moved his head before his stomach decided to rid itself of its contents. He heaved from the taste of bile. 

**_Stop, kit!_ **

After months of Kurama ignoring him, it was easy to ignore him now. A petty part of him rejoiced in the vengeance. The rest of him was flailing in the plethora of memories he could feel that he never knew he had before. 

That hot alley, the hands, ice-cold showers in the apartment. This time, though, he had the sensation of actually living these memories. He _remembered_ the smell of the alley, he _remembered_ the boiling hands, the blood. He _remembered it all._

He dragged himself to the nearest cave, not bothering to make a fire. It was cold and dark and he _liked_ it because he was alone and no one could hurt him or ra— 

He couldn’t say it. Not even in his own head. 

He wasn’t sure of their names. You could have asked him at 4, or 5, or 8, and he’d give you the same answer. 

He wasn’t sure how many times. He thought three, but— 

( _there may have been a fourth, or a fifth, or an eighth for all he knew; the memories rushed fast and hot and unrelenting, and sometimes he couldn’t make out all the faces and all the hands. There was a part of him that’s grateful. There was a part of him that wasn't.)_

* * *

A large part of him realized that what he did could be considered defecting the village. There was a part of him that cared about that, a _lot_ , but… 

When he thought of going back, he thought of those eyes and that spike of lust, and his stomach turned, but there was nothing left in his stomach. He hadn’t eaten (or slept) in days. 

If he slept, Kurama would try to take over his dreams, or he’d have nightmares again. He wanted to avoid both, thank you _very_ much. 

So he stayed awake. He kept watch over his own body, and no one would ever touch him again. 

* * *

It lasted for 5 days. 

He didn’t know what Kurama did; he knew that the world shouldn’t be doubling, tripling in his vision, and his heart should probably not be beating this fast, but he wasn’t sleeping for a reason, right? He couldn't go to bed then. 

His stomach was so empty it _hurt,_ but he didn’t want to eat anything. He wasn’t sure where he was, but it was pretty blue and there was _sand_ and there was a cool cave, and he really liked it when things were cold, but he didn’t know why. He liked that it was quiet too—all he could hear was the crash of the waves on the shore. 

What was he saying again? 

Right _, Kurama_. He didn’t know what Kurama did, but he was hit with a wave of tiredness, one he couldn’t fight, one that didn’t abate when he did light meditation (enough for a slightly restful state, but not enough for Kurama to drag him into the sealspace.) 

His eyes shut, his breath evened, and he was gone. 

* * *

Naruto’s eyes snapped open. He was wrapped in another tail, amber this time. He glared at the fox. 

_So I exist now?_ Naruto snapped _. So now you’re not going to shut me out?_

Kurama said nothing. Naruto glanced at the water, but it was flashing with images. The alley, the jumpsuit, the showers...

 _When did this happen?_ He asked. _How did I not remember before?_

Kurama growled low in his throat. **_I took the memories from you._ **

At this, Naruto stilled, before staring Kurama in the eye. _You...took the memories away?_ He echoed. He raised a trembling hand towards the water, the memories lurking on the surface. _This is your fault?_

He hadn’t been truly angry at Kurama in a while, but he felt it now. _So the reason my life has completely derailed itself is your fault?! What was the point?_

Kurama stared at him steadily. **_I don’t regret not telling you._ **

Rage rose in him, oppressive and thick, and he could almost feel his eyes flash red. _Of course you don’t,_ Naruto shot back. _When have you ever regretted anything?_

There was a part of him that immediately felt remorse at the way all nine tails stilled at that retort, but he was still lost in anger. Kurama stared at him from his position on the fox's stomach, watching the black water flow. Naruto wondered if the water would ever run clear again. 

**_I regret the way your parents passed. Although I was under a genjutsu, my claws brought about their death._ **

Naruto froze. 

**_I regret you being unable to grow up with the family you deserved. Had your family been there, none of this would have happened._ **

There was a flash, and Naruto was staring at his four-year-old self, scrubbing himself raw and red in the shower. His hands were rough and his breaths were just on the side of hysterical.

**_The first week, you did nothing but shower and stare into space. Without me, you would have developed hypothermia from the showers you took._ **

He watched himself, dazed and blank on the couch, lost to the world. Red chakra rising on his skin, drying the frigid drops, but leaving him way too hot. Flinching in steam, more showers, crying, poor nightmares. Shivering in the silence. Tracing a finger over 4 drops of brown blood on a filthy jumpsuit. 

**_Truthfully_** **,** **_the first time, you blocked out the memory on your own. A week later, it was as if it never happened. I did not understand, but I thought nothing of it._ **

He saw himself running out of the apartment in a fresh jumpsuit with a bright smile. 

**_When it happened again, you did not forget. I waited a week, then two, and you were still the same._ **

A year later. He was curled in a ball on the floor because he couldn’t reach the bathroom sink on his own without a stool and had started throwing up. 

**_My chakra couldn’t sustain your starvation state indefinitely, and at that point, we were intricately twined by the seal. So I took the memories away._ **

He saw himself again what must be days later, talking Jiji’s head off over ramen. The Sandaime’s eyes tightened over his bony wrists and baggy jumpsuit. 

**_I hadn’t paid attention to your world then, but after taking the memories away, I decided to...watch, and see what would happen. The next time, I lashed out with my chakra, and the trash in question received critical injuries. He barely survived. They punished you for it._ ** **_I took the memories away._ **

The blonde-haired, green-eyed man screaming, skin crispening in Naruto’s red aura. The people of the red light district truly started to hate him then. He saw them throw trash, cross the street where he passed. He saw the Hokage and...Kakashi? Looking at his seal. ANBU watching his every step. He didn’t remember this. They must have deemed the seal intact. He _did_ remember the talk with the Hokage about being in control of his anger and not hurting people, but he didn’t remember _why_ he was getting lectured. Jiji cut his allowance in half. He hadn’t done anything wrong. 

He decided to do his first prank a week later. 

**_From that moment on, the attacks stopped. My influence on you was monitored heavily, so I stayed my hand. If that one had died, you may have ended up being treated similar to Shukaku’s brat. Still, I regretted my previous inaction._ **

Naruto shivered. He remembered how dark Gaara had been. They were extremely similar—was he really that close to being the same? ****

**_Growing up, you had no reminder of those events, so I was able to keep the memories in my cage with relatively little issue. When the seal changed after the war, it was a bit more difficult, but I placed the memories at the bottom of the stream in the mindspace. As long as you had no reminder of what happened, you wouldn’t re-experience any of the memories._ **

Naruto scowled. _But they were already my memories, I already experienced them, You should have let me deal with them._

**_I understand now._ **Naruto jolted. He wasn’t expecting the fox to agree.

**_It became increasingly more clear once your relationship developed. The body remembers what the mind forgets. By the time you started reexperiencing what had occurred, it was too late to conceal the memories again, as they had started to come back into your regular thoughts and dreams. I could try and guard you against them while you slept, but the more you remembered, the harder it became. It...tired me, and I couldn’t respond to you._ **

That explained the odd silences and the dreams of Kurama’s tails. Naruto wasn’t sure what to say. 

**_I do not regret taking the memories away. I cannot regret trying to protect you, kit._ ** Kurama’s eyes stared him down. **_But I regret the pain I caused you, and for that, I apologize._ **

He couldn’t say it was okay. He _wanted_ to, wanted to smooth it over like he did everything else, but he couldn’t. Not now. Not yet. He closed his eyes and entered a dreamless sleep.

* * *

He woke up to the prickly sensation of being watched. 

It was something that all shinobi knew and hated; it was different when you were waking up with comrades on a mission. Knowing you were being watched was different when you were alone. 

He kept his breathing even, his eyes closed. He couldn’t really smell them over the sea air, but he stretched out his chakra and felt—

“You can stop feigning sleep, dickless.” 

* * *

He could feel their mostly undivided attention as they set up camp. Sakura grabbed firewood and glanced at him in between picking sticks, Sai’s stare managed to linger on his neck from his position as watch, Kakashi flipped through an Icha Icha book he edited and glanced at him every few chapters. Sasuke, uncaring as ever, blew a fireball into the gathered twigs and stared at him head-on. 

“Why are we in Uzushio, idiot?” 

Naruto blinked and glanced around. He knew he had run far, but _Uzushio_? No wonder he was sore and starving. He could barely see the waves now, dark as it was, but he wasn’t sure if his subconscious hiding spot upset him or excited him. _Another place filled with memories he didn’t know how to decipher._

“Well, Naruto?” 

Naruto’s face contorted before he knew it. “I could ask you the same thing, bastard. I didn’t make you come here.” He swept his gaze over the rest of them, and they didn’t even have the decency to look a tad ashamed. Sai, that asshole, was even giving him a grin. “What _are_ you doing here? It’s not like we have a village to protect or anything,” he added dryly. 

“Truly, we could ask you the same thing, Naruto,” Kakashi replied, not looking up from his book. “I don’t recall sending you on any impromptu missions to Uzushio. We had to wake up Pakkun to come after you.” 

Honestly, how was Kakashi-sensei even allowed out of Konoha like this? As Rokudaime, he wasn’t chained to his office, but taking an impromptu mission in peacetime was something he didn’t think any other Hokage had done before. Who was in charge? Shikamaru? 

He imagined his co-assistant sleeping at the desk, using the Hokage robes as a cover and the hat as a pillow. He hoped not. 

“What ex-traitor and Kakashi-sama are trying to say is that you’re behaving in a manner markedly different from your well-known, well-documented personality, and he’s concerned.” Sasuke glared at Sai, who hadn’t let go of his smile, but his brows furrowed. “I must admit, this personality change has also confused me as well, dickless.” 

“I’m _fine!_ ” he defended, but he felt how weak the statement was—he’d never been a great liar. Sakura raised an eyebrow. 

“You’re avoiding your friends,” she said, holding up a finger. “You’re avoiding _Hinata,_ ” another finger. “Shikamaru says you're a workaholic,” another, “you’re pale and tired,” _rude,_ and another finger, “and you freaked out during our Yakiniku Q meetup.” She gave him an incredulous look. “We’re supposed to believe you’re _okay_?” 

“I already told Kaka-sensei I can figure it out on my own,” Naruto said, and he could feel Kurama’s disapproval. Kakashi hummed and finally closed the book. He fixed Naruto with a neutral gaze.

“You said that weeks ago, Naruto, and things have only gotten worse. Hinata came to Sakura to ask if she knew what was wrong, and Iruka is so worried he hasn’t been able to sleep the past few nights.” There was a lot of guilt to unpack there, but first, Iruka-sensei?

“How do you know how Iruka-sensei is sleeping?” He asked. Everyone at the fire stared at him. 

“He’s not joking,” Sakura said finally after a few silent moments. She looked like she had been struck with a brick. “No, Naruto. No. You _can’t_ tell me you didn’t know Kaka-sensei and Iruka-sensei were together.” 

His eyes bugged. “What?” he asked weakly. Kakashi smiled at him. 

There was no way. When had Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei even talked to each other for more than five minutes? 

...Then again, Iruka-sensei’s note made more sense. There was no honorific. And not a lot of people could ask Kakashi to give someone a day off and get away with it. 

“That’s not the point right now Naruto,” Kakashi interjected. “Hinata’s worried about you.” And there was the guilt. He hadn’t meant to worry her, he just needed space, he needed people to stop looking at him, he needed people to stop _touching_ him… 

Kakashi’s gaze had now sharpened. “You’re doing it again,” he remarked, Naruto’s face scrunched. Kakashi waved a hand in his direction. “You’re upset about something, the same thing you were upset about in that tree.” Kakashi looked around the campfire. “We can stay here as long as we want, though I may or may not have left Gai in charge in my place, so time may be of the essence,” he mused. 

And _that,_ more than anything, set Naruto into motion. 

“It’s nothing,” he says. “Just—Kurama and I were having a fight, is all.” 

**_Is that what we’re calling it?_ **

He didn’t startle, but it was a close thing. He was still angry, but he _had_ missed hearing the fox on a regular basis. 

“You’ve argued with Kurama before,” Sasuke said, looking entirely disinterested. Sakura nodded.

“Yeah, you _have_ argued with Kurama before, but you’re not one to hold grudges—what did you fight about?” she asked. She flicked away a fallen brown leaf from her qipao. It was almost the same color as—

 _No_. 

“It’s nothing,” he repeated, irritated. They could find him here, they could force him to talk, but they can’t force him to talk about _it._ Why did no one listen to what he wanted anyway?

_Why did no one listen when he screamed his lungs raw for a savior and why did no one help when he dragged himself home to fall apart why did no one care when he was bleeding and alone why why why—_

“—uto? Naruto!” He blinked at the intensity in Sasuke’s tone. Sakura was inches from his face, holding up a glowing green palm, and he instinctively flinched back, suppressing a manly squeak. The group was staring at him. He didn’t know how long he'd been out. 

“We’ve been calling your name for five minutes. Your eyes were red.” Kakashi’s book was away, and he looked tense. “Anything interesting you’d like to share with the group?” 

“I’m fine,” he said faintly. He couldn’t stop saying it. Maybe in the next minute, the next day, he’d mean it. He just needed to say it one more time, to convince everyone—to convince himself. 

“Naruto, _please_ ,” Sakura’s voice cracked, and he looked away from her. He didn’t _want to tell anyone. Not now. Not yet. Please._

He swallowed around his nerves. “What would you do if you learned something that just…changes the way you view...everything,” he finished lamely. He knew it was vague, knew it probably didn’t mean anything to them, but this was the most he could say without feeling his throat close up. His palms were already slicked with sweat. He tapped his toe in the dirt. 

“Changes the way you view everything, how?” Kakashi asked. Naruto struggled for a moment for the right response. 

“Like, the way you knew things is wrong, and things aren’t nearly as okay as you thought they were.” he looked down. “Kurama kept some things blocked out of my memory, and they came back up a little while ago, and I’m trying to...readjust to it.” 

His memory was filled with exploding tags, he realized, and the only way to know they were there was to trip into them. Most shinobi had issues, he knew. No one was truly left unscathed in the last war, but...this was different. There were things that affected him that he wasn’t even _aware_ of. Things that he used to be okay with that made his skin crawl. Things that used to irritate him that calmed him. 

He could see the calculating gaze in his team members. It was times like these that he wished he was a prodigy like Kakashi or a genius like Sakura and Sasuke. Even Sai, who couldn’t work his way around a social scenario could analyze a situation like no one else. 

They always seemed to know what was in his head, even before he said anything. _He didn’t want them to know he didn’t he_ didn’t—

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he rasped. His breaths were coming out harsher. “I just—I know you want me to, but I’m not ready yet.” He felt like he was being unfair, but there was too much he still had to work through, too much he didn’t want to burden them with. He didn’t want them to look at him differently. 

Sakura was the first to speak. “If you won’t talk to us, do you think you could talk to a Yamanaka?” he tensed. “They won’t go into your head, but they run a lot of the mental health clinic me and Ino set up.” She gave him a weak smile. “It won’t be someone you know, and they can’t say anything about it to anyone, being under oath.” 

He thought about it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it, wasn’t sure if it would really help. He wasn’t—

“I can’t speak for everyone in this circle, but I know Sakura regularly sees a specialist, as well as Sai,” Kakashi said softly. Sakura and Sai both nod. He stared at Naruto. “Seeing a Yamanaka has helped me too.” 

Naruto felt his eyes widen. If everyone in the group (besides Sasuke) was seeing someone for their own issues, especially Kakashi, who didn't open up to _anyone_ , would it be so bad if Naruto did for his own issues? 

“They want to help you, Naruto.” His eyes focused on Sasuke, who had been quiet most of the time. Unlike Naruto, Sasuke had no problem with prolonged eye contact, but Sasuke unexpectedly looked away. “We all want to help,” he said.

Oh. _Wow_. 

From there, it wasn’t too hard to make up his mind. “I guess I’ll go see what the hype is about,” Naruto sighed. Sakura bulldozed him into a hug. 

* * *

When they got back, he was met by Hinata at the gates. The others departed, Sasuke having split off from them on the road. 

They walked back in silence, and Naruto was glad for it. He needed a bit of time to gather his thoughts. 

Walking through Konoha was a different experience. He wasn’t scared, he told himself. He was _fine._ It was just...

He knew that there were those who _knew_ but never said a word. There were people who knew him as far more (or far less, if he thought of it) than the hero that helped end the war; they were the ones who saw him and saw a 4-year-old ~~7-year-old 8-year-old~~ struggling to hobble home and keep himself in his body as he shattered, a boy who bled on the streets when the orphanage turned him away. 

Or maybe, the darker part of him thought, they didn’t. Maybe the boy with four drops of blood on the seat of his pants and a broken smile had fallen far from their memory, twinkling out of mind like dust in sunlight. After all, if Kurama kept every memory, he must have emerged the next day as the same smiling idiot he had always been. Maybe, the deluge of memories was his alone to drown in. 

(Which was better? ~~_Which was worse?_~~ )

When they sat down in the apartment, nursing cups of jasmine tea. Naruto went first. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, gazing at Hinata. There was a ton of stuff happening at one time, and Naruto still didn’t know what to make of his mind, but he knew how badly he had messed up. “I should have explained what I meant— there’s nothing wrong with you, there are just some things I need to sort out, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” 

Hinata said nothing for a moment, taking a sip of her tea. When she looked at him, he saw the warmth in her eyes he had dearly missed. “I forgive you, Naruto-kun, but I wish you could have told me something was wrong sooner.” 

His breath caught. _He wasn’t ready he wasn’t—_

She shook her head. “I won’t pry, but after the Yakiniku Q meeting, I convinced Sasuke-san, Sai-san, and Sakura to follow you, rather than a tracking team like me, Kiba and Shino. Kakashi-sama decided to come as well. I wanted you to be able to talk to someone. It didn’t have to be me.” 

Naruto’s eyes widened. It was _her_ idea?

“I’m going to see someone,” he said. He had no doubt Kakashi-sensei or Sakura had already tried to put his name in for an appointment. 

Hinata smiled widely for the first time in what felt like ages. Her shoulders relaxed, and Naruto felt immensely guilty. How long had she worried about this? “I’m really glad, Naruto-kun.” She abruptly stood and gestured towards the bedroom.

His heart dropped. 

“I have something I want to show you,” she said. She looked at him and immediately shook her head, eyes widening. “It’s most likely not—it’s nothing to be worried about. It’s a gift in the guest bedroom.” 

He finally exhaled. 

Their guest bedroom was more of just a spare room that they hadn’t gotten around to furnishing. Naruto had taken over the closet to store extra kunai and weapons, but the room itself was empty. 

Until now. 

The first thing he noticed was that the room was cool, not freezing, but definitely well below room temperature. There was a bed with new sheets, along with a table and a dresser. 

“Yamato-san helped me with the furniture,” she said, watching him as he walked around the room.

“I had a lot of time to think in the past few weeks, and I noticed you like when our bedroom is cooler, but also… you slept better alone.” He whipped his head towards her. She gave him a small nod, not smug or knowing, but compassionate. A knot in his chest he never noticed started to relax. “You don’t have to explain anything to me if you’re not comfortable, but I want you to at least feel comfortable here, even if it’s not in our bedroom.” 

_Kami,_ he didn’t deserve her. “Hinata—” she shook her head. 

“You don’t have to explain anything.” Her eyes looked a little sad. “I just want you to be comfortable.” 

He moved before he knew it, and crushed her into a hug. There was so much he _wanted_ to say, so much that felt like a weight swallowing him whole. 

“Thank you, Hinata,” he whispered. “Thank you.” 

* * *

Yamanaka Hiro was the first person he told. Before he never understood why people went to therapy—unless he was running through Konoha naked or somehow a threat to the village, he thought it didn’t matter. He wasn’t _crazy_. But with peacetime came more reforms for mental health, with Ino and Sakura leading the charge.

He still wasn't sure about therapy sessions, not quite sure what the point was sometimes, but there was a relief in talking about anything and not getting smacked or judged for it. (He loved Sakura, but _Kami_ that girl could throw a punch when she was angry). 

He told Hiro when it felt like it was choking him, when he felt like he’d talked about everything _except_ it _,_ when he felt like he was wasting the man’s time. He didn’t know what to expect, disbelief, an accusation, maybe, or pity, but Hiro thanked him for telling him, and asked about what made him the most comfortable. 

It wasn’t until he was halfway down the list of Hinata’s katsudon, Ichiraku’s, sparring with Konohamaru, and hanging out with Sasuke and Sakura that he realized the room no longer felt like it was closing in on him, and he could unclench his hands. 

It was okay. He had told the worst secret he carried, and he was okay. The amount of relief he felt made him dizzy.

* * *

It took him months to tell anyone he knew. When he did, it was unexpected, just like the company he was keeping. He truly had only planned to watch the night sky from the Hokage Tower. 

He knew he was a bit quieter now, a bit more on edge. He retired the orange for a little while, switching to a jounin vest and regular shinobi blacks. They never bring up the Yakiniku Q incident, but his friends seemed to glance at him from the corner of their eyes. A lot of days he slept in the guest bedroom. He just wanted to sleep, but each resurfaced memory was a nightmare of its own. It was difficult. The black water in the mindscape _had_ started to go down though, thanks to meditating with Kurama. It still wasn’t clear, but the meadow was coming back, and he took pride in that. 

He’s still not exactly sure _what_ he said, it faded into the background of anticipation and stress, static noise and thought drowning out memory, but Sasuke stilled, before staring at him. In the dark, his Rinnegan almost glowed. 

Sasuke has always _gotten him,_ in the weird, asshole ways he showed it. Even as an international terrorist, or more than halfway to crazy, his best friend has always understood Naruto no matter what. As orphans, one hated and one loved by the village, basically the last of their clans, carrying on legacies that stretch decades before them and will stretch on decades after them. As two boys desperate to prove something they could barely name themselves. 

He didn’t want Sasuke to understand him in this. 

Too bad the world didn’t care what he wanted. 

Once Naruto started to squirm under Sasuke’s glance, Sasuke looked out towards the village. The silence stretched for minutes, then: 

“In all the time I spent in Oto, I was never allowed to sleep alone.” 

Naruto blinked, and blinked again, because there was a lot in there that he didn't know what to make sense of. Not for the first or 45th time, he cursed Orochimaru and everything he stood (or slithered) for. Sasuke’s form was deceptively relaxed on the roof. 

“Orochimaru never let me. A form of payment for making me stronger, he said, before I learned he was going to try and use my body, more than he already was.” Sasuke’s face contorted in a disgusted sneer. His fingers twitched against the roof. “Once he believed I was _settled_ , Kabuto…” He trailed off, looking towards the ANBU running across the roof. 

“I can’t remember all their faces anymore,” Naruto said, surprising himself. Sasuke turned back to him. “But that day at Yakiniku Q, I saw one of them.” 

Sasuke breathed out slowly. “That’s why you were leaking killing intent.” Naruto nodded. They both turned to watch the village. Naruto thought of the faces, the hot hands that may still be roaming Konoha. Had he seen them since? Did they recognize him? Did they remember? 

“They can’t hurt you anymore,” Sasuke said. His eyes burned a hole into Naruto’s head. 

Hiro said that too. Naruto felt ridiculous for thinking they could. He knew he could fight them now, that there were very few people who could beat him in a fight now, mainly the bastard next to him. Still, the thought remained an annoying constant in his head. He thought he should have been able to fight more back then, too. Even if he wasn’t as trained as he was now, he was still Kurama’s jinchuuriki. Shouldn’t he have fought harder? Would it have helped? 

“I still think about them, sometimes,” Naruto admitted. “I know that I’m stronger than them. If anything happened I’d be able to fight them off. But still—” 

He was cut off by two fingers tapping his forehead. He went cross-eyed, trying to look at the fingers. Sasuke hadn’t hit him with a seal or a jutsu, so what was he _doing_? 

Naruto wasn’t sure what to be more confused by, the forehead tap, or the unreadable look Sasuke was currently giving him. 

“Idiot. Even if you couldn’t fight them, they would never be able to hurt you anymore. As long as I’m alive, it’s not happening. Kakashi and Sakura would say the same.” His nose scrunched slightly. “Even your Hyuuga and that weirdo Sai.” 

Naruto blinked rapidly. He was _not_ going to cry, damn it. 

He stared out at Konoha. 10 years ago, no one would have blinked an eye to him being abused in the streets, and now, to have someone, _multiple people,_ willing to do so? It meant more than he could say. 

Minutes past the point of an acceptable response, Naruto finally cleared the lump in his throat. 

“Thanks, bastard.” 

* * *

It would be great if his life got back to normal, but honestly, there was a part of him that was _certain_ the Sage of Six Paths looked down from the sky and decided that his life wasn’t messed up enough, and he needed to do something about it. 

Like the paper currently shaking in his hands. Weeks after Sasuke and Naruto had talked on the rooftop, Kakashi-sensei handed him a stack of papers and wordlessly went back to his desk. Naruto went through the work mindlessly but hovered on the last few. 

It was a police report written up by Kiba. A man had been attacked in an alley downtown, with no witnesses, showing extreme signs of mental and physical torture. He had been haphazardly dropped in Konoha hospital after an unknown had used a kawarimi to substitute his body with a hospital chair. The perpetrator and the hospital chair were nowhere to be found. 

He flipped the page over to see the hospital report, and dark brown eyes of a painfully familiar face stared back at him. The only thing keeping him grounded in the present was the blood roaring in Naruto’s ears. 

He stood up, chair falling back with the motion, and stormed into Kakashi’s office. He placed the report on Kakashi’s desk. Kakashi barely glanced at the papers. 

“Do you have any additional information on this report, Hokage-sama?”

Kakashi stared at him, unblinking. “No,” he said evenly. “Would you like to investigate? I believe the Military Police are almost done concluding their investigation—” 

“ _Sensei—”_

“But I believe that Sakura was put in charge of the man’s rehabilitation, along with Ino. Of course, patient confidentiality must be maintained, but there should be no harm in gathering more information in order to have a more...detailed report.” 

He understood the implication. _Not me. Ask someone else._

He left the office. 

* * *

He didn’t have to go far into the hospital before picking up on the information he needed. Two nurses stood next to a cart in the hall near Sakura's office, hiding their mouths behind their charts but not bothering to lower their voices. 

“There was a patient,” the man said, in a dramatic tone, “tarnished chakra system. They’re calling it the Hyuuga Prodigy Mystery.” Naruto’s breath caught. He wasn’t a complete idiot. 

The female nurse’s brow arched. “Hyuuga?” 

He nodded, a frenetic motion. “Out of all 361 tenketsu points, 356 of them were absolutely _shredded._ The Hyuuga put in charge said they must have done them all at the same time, which should be impossible because no one has ever done more than 128 palms in Hyuuga history. The only five tenketsu left undamaged supported the brain and the heart. The guy wasn’t braindead, and he won’t die, but he definitely felt all of it. “ Her eyes were comically wide. 

“Have they found who it was?” 

Another head shake. “No. Out of all living Hyuuga, Hyuuga Hanabi is the only one able to reach 128 palms - but Hanabi is on an ANBU mission. She’s the only one nearly capable of doing so.” She shook her head. “That man will be in physical therapy for the rest of his life. Not to mention the signs of genjutsu torture. They brought in Sakura-sama and Yamanaka Ino, but it’s not looking good for him. He kept rambling about black and white swords.” 

The woman looked flummoxed. “What did the police say?” 

The man shrugged. “The Inuzuka on the case said they couldn’t find any fingerprints. He’s using the Aburame to try and find any clues in chakra, but he believes it might be a dead end. They _did_ say that the victim was tied to some other crimes with an underground child prostitution ring.” 

They were both interrupted by a familiar voice behind them. “If I’m correct, you both should be doing rounds. Is there an emergency that’s stopped your work?” 

Both nurses blanched. “No, Sakura-sama!” 

The door to Sakura’s office was open, and Sakura clenched the knob, before giving Naruto a tight smile. 

“I have a feeling I know what you came for.” 

He walked in silently, before staring at Sakura. She sat down and immediately started organizing papers. She picked one up and swiveled it so he could see. 

“Patient #43827 was brought into the hospital using a replacement technique, Kawarimi. The patient was comatose and needed immediate medical attention, due to trauma to 356 tenketsu points. Hyuuga Ume was the tenketsu specialist brought in for the rehabilitation process. After stabilization, we began to look into the effects of what looked to be genjutsu torture, and I asked a Yamanaka specialist, Yamanaka Ino, to help.”

It’s clear she wasn’t talking as his best friend right now, She was Haruno Sakura, director of Konoha Hospital. She wouldn’t expect anything less from him than Uzumaki Naruto, successor to the Hokage. 

“Are there any known suspects? Is there anything from the medical reports that lead to anyone?” He had one obvious suspect in mind, but he needed to be sure. 

Sakura’s lips pursed. “Ino looked into his mind. The mental damage is...extensive, done by someone with great skill in genjutsu, like the Kurama clan or the Chinoike clan.” 

This was getting ridiculous. 

“Or the Uchiha,” he pointed out, “considering both those clans are extinct.” Sakura affected a surprised expression. If there was any humor to take out of this situation, it was that Sakura’s acting had not gotten better over the years. 

“That could be a possibility,” she said diplomatically. She wasn’t looking him in the eye. “We’ve sent our findings to the military police.” 

“And has anyone seen Uchiha Sasuke recently?” he asked sarcastically. Sakura shook her head. 

“Sasuke was last seen in Tea country, he sent a report to Kakashi-sensei on his findings, if you would like to see it.” 

He was _not_ getting the run around from his precious people. 

“That’s fine,” he sighed. “Forget it.” 

* * *

When he finally got home, there was a hawk waiting for him in the guest bedroom. 

He fumbled the scroll with shaking hands, and finally, he received one of the confirmations he was looking for in two simple words: 

_Never again._

He walked out to the living room, where Hinata was knitting. 

“What did Sasuke tell you?” he grated. She raised an eyebrow, but once he showed her the message, she looked resigned. A part of him admired her for her incoming honesty. The rest of him was annoyed. 

“Sasuke-san didn’t tell me anything. I had made a few guesses on my own...after our fight, and the time at Yakiniku Q, but I hadn’t put it all together until I saw Sasuke-san wearing a henge, following a civilian throughout the day. It was completely unlike him, and then I saw his face, and I remembered him from outside the restaurant.”

Naruto didn’t know what to say. Why was Sasuke loitering around Konoha stalking a civilian? 

“I was angry,” she said finally. She stared at him for a moment. “I knew you wouldn’t...engage. You’re a kind man, Naruto. You would never hurt a Konoha citizen, especially a civilian, and you wouldn’t report it either.” He didn’t nod, even if it _was_ true. He tried to unclench his fists. “You hadn’t come to me, and I would never press the issue.” She seemed to struggle with her next words. “For you, I was willing to say and do nothing.” 

“What changed?” 

He blinked as he felt Hinata’s anger and disgust spike. It didn’t feel like it was directed towards him, but he had never seen her look so enraged. He tried not to squirm. “That man,” she spat, “was loitering around the park a few days ago. The same one we went to as children. There was a small boy he seemed to be following.” Her voice trembled, but not with fear. She looked back at him, and he didn’t know what she saw, but immediately the rage he could feel lessened. 

Her next words were flat, clipped. “I put on a henge, and came between the man and the boy.” Disgust sharpened in her tone. “The boy didn’t even know he was there, though the man had claimed he was watching over him. I helped him home—he was from the orphanage. The man was glaring at me, and told me to mind my own business. I thought of how many children this man may have come in contact with, the children who didn’t have anyone.” 

“Kids like me,” he finished. She didn’t have to agree. He saw where this was going. 

“I saw red,” she whispered. Lilac eyes lost focus. “The human body has 361 tenketsu points. I saw him and for the first time, I wanted to hit all of them. I didn’t want him to get up again, I didn’t want him to have the chance to even think of hurting anyone else. My palms just...moved. In what felt like seconds, he was on the floor, gasping. Sasuke-san arrived out of nowhere, and before the man could scream, put him in a genjutsu. I don’t know what the genjutsu was.”

“But...356 palms?” Naruto asked incredulously. 

“No Hyuuga is capable of 356 palms,” she replied immediately, reflexively. Naruto stared at her. 

She finally looked back at him with a steely gaze. “I would do anything for you, Naruto-kun. But you have every right to be upset with me. I acted out of my own wishes and took matters into my own hands.”

He didn’t know how to feel. He wasn’t sure how angry he should be. There was a man in the hospital who might never move again, for better or for worse. He may not have wanted to do anything to him, but if he had, what did it matter anyways? 

Maybe he _should_ be angrier that his girlfriend and his best friend did something so against his wishes. He just felt...tired. He was never one for revenge.

But if the man was targeting other children ( _and didn’t that put a stone in Naruto’s stomach, because he was 17 now, how many other kids had he come after in the past 10 years? Did he want to know?)_ could he really be upset? Could Naruto be upset, knowing that he’d be able to breathe a little easier in Konoha? 

He didn’t know. 

* * *

“It’s okay to be upset, Naruto,” Hiro said the next time they met. “Whether or not Hyuga-san and Uchiha-san were trying to protect you and Konoha’s children, it can feel like a degree of choice was taken away from you. I understand you do not like to disagree with your loved ones, but there’s nothing wrong with being upset with them.” 

Naruto shrugged. “But I _know_ they didn’t mean to upset me, ‘ttebayo.” he sighed. The world was starting to blur; He hadn’t been sleeping right the past couple of days, and his left eye had started to twitch. Hiro’s blonde hair was starting to smudge with the pale curtains behind him. “I’m tired of feeling this way, it’s stupid.”

Hiro tilted his head. “Stupid?” 

Naruto nodded. He could feel himself running out of steam. “I want things to be normal again.” 

Hiro’s pupilless eyes stared at him for a moment. He then asked, “Has life gone back to the _exact_ way it was before the Fourth Shinobi War?” 

Naruto’s nose wrinkled. “Huh? No, not really.” Too many people had died. There was talk of a second memorial stone. He still saw Zetsu and Kaguya in his nightmares. “But that’s not the same,” he argued. “Things are as normal as they can be, even if it’s different.” 

“Would you call someone stupid for being upset over the war?” 

“Of course not!” he said, indignant. Hiro nodded, seeming satisfied. 

“Exactly.” He took a sip of water. “An assault is an attack against your person, a war of its own if you will. You survive, but with survival comes new injuries, new scars, a new form of normal. You would never get upset with someone over their feelings about the war, and you should hold more compassion towards yourself with the way you feel about what happened. You’ve survived a personal war, and the person whose emotions matter the most in this situation is you. Not those who hurt you, not your friends, but you.”

* * *

The next time, Shikamaru was the one to drop the file on his desk before leaving for the night.

The man, ( _Ito Daiki)_ was behind bars in Konoha Civilian Prison for multiple accounts of child abuse. He still received rehabilitation for his tenketsu injuries, but he was ruled healthy and stable enough for a cell. 

There were other names too, according to the Yamanaka mind walk. Faceless, nameless victims, countless stories of orphans falling asleep and screaming themselves hoarse in alleys where no one could hear them. There were corrupt officers who turned a blind eye to the children brave enough to speak up, and all the ones who weren’t. Ito Daiki was an Academy dropout with a bloodline limit in auditory jutsu. No one ever heard the children scream. 

( _no one ever heard him scream_ ) 

There was… relief, in knowing that Konoha hadn’t ignored him in his worst moments. Relief, in knowing that the children of the future would be a bit safer. He tried to focus on that relief as he journeyed home, taking to the rooftops. 

Hinata was already in bed by the time he got back. 

He hesitated, already stepping towards the guest bedroom. He ran the idea through his head, then: 

_Hey, Kurama._

The fox cracked an eye open. **_Yes, kit?_ **

He glanced at the door to his and Hinata’s bedroom. _Do you think I’m being a coward?_

 **_Of course not,_ **Kurama growled. Naruto felt more than saw the pull to the mindscape, and Kurama sat next to him on the sodden meadow. The meadow still hadn’t gone back to normal, but there were flowers growing in the marsh-like atmosphere. He found he liked them, a lot. 

**_Whatever you decide to do, I support you. It’s not my decision to make._ **

This time, when Kurama _did_ kick him out of the sealspace, he could see the intention for what it was; the door was still open to him, he could come back at any time and Kurama wouldn’t judge him for it. It made things a bit easier to deal with. 

He slipped into the room, taking care to open the window before joining Hinata. Despite not being here for months, she still stayed on her portion of the mattress, and Naruto felt the fondness in his chest grow for the amazing woman next to him. 

“I love you,” he whispered, knowing she was asleep, knowing she couldn’t hear him. Knowing he’d say it to her as soon as she woke up, and every day after. 

When he woke up the next day to her gentle smile, he felt warm. And for the first time in a while, it was okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Long note ahead. 
> 
> I’m going to be honest with you; I never thought I would actually complete this fic. I started it at the beginning of quarantine and I struggled with coming back to it multiple times—it’s a rough time to be writing angst and this was heavy, heavier than anything else I’ve posted. I’ve drafted a few different fics in different fandoms focusing on this topic, and I never published them. It’s difficult to try and do justice to this topic without getting absorbed in its emotions, but I had read a lot of fics that had contained sexual assault and it was either for a fantasy or depicted in a way that was used as shock value, which _irked_ me. It cheapened the experiences of survivors and often revolved around revenge (especially by the love interest), rather than the thoughts and emotions of the person that was hurt, and post revenge there was no mention of the abuse ever again, or if there was, there was a linear progression of recovery. Gotta say, that...really sucks to read. I wanted to put out a fic that focused on the survivor and their emotions, not just the emotions of those around them, and I hope I was able to balance it right.
> 
> Do repressed memories work this way in real life? Not quite. Then again, when we mean inner demons we don't actually have one inside ourselves.
> 
> I originally wasn’t planning on having any sort of vengeful actions in this fic. But Hinata’s character in canon never felt extremely fleshed out to me, and I wanted to actually have her have an interest besides Naruto: the one here being children. From there, it kinda spiraled out of control: I just really liked the idea of Konoha 11 being there for Naruto in whichever ways they could, regardless of if they knew or not. 
> 
> I’m glad that this fic is done so I can say I’ve tried to give it its due diligence. I don’t think I would come back to this topic any time soon, if at all... Honestly speaking, I don't think it matters if 1 person reads this or 1000 people read it—it's a fic that I needed to write for myself. Sometimes you just have to write the thing you needed to read when you needed it, and this fic wouldn't let go of me for 3 months, no matter how much I didn't want to write it, at times. 
> 
> There are some really well-done fics on this topic: [Making Sense of Chaos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7936447) by [SparkedtoLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparkedToLife/pseuds/SparkedToLife) is one I’d recommend to anyone, even if you’re not in the Spiderman/Marvel Fandom. In terms of Naruto, [You offered up your soul](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22280779) by [RecklessWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RecklessWriter/pseuds/RecklessWriter) is also really well written. If you have any comments, concerns, or suggestions, please feel free to let me know. 
> 
> Okay, I'm done rambling. Thank you for reading this, if you've made it this far.


End file.
